PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
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I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.