Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
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I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
#Caturday
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal