I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
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I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Meeeee too!
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment