Cow it started Cow it’s going
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shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
oh good, now I can stop drinking