Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
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judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
oppen heimer style lol
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”