Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
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when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing