guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
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Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
I love art.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it