It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
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The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation