remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
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*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury