Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
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“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
eggs benadryl
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?