Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
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My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.