Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
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ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no