Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
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Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
I think this should do it.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.