When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
You Might Also Like
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Go girl power!
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.