PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
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Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
I’m not stressed
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Try and stop me.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Is….Is this an option?
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.