I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
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Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking