GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
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They got Raph!
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
But wait…
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Oh the world we live in…
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.