If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
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one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
North and South