H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
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Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.