What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
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TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”