Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
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#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Just how popey was the pope today?
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.