Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
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Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.