Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
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If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
True freaking story!
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again