(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
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psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.