Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
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*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
#ParentingFacts
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
We decided to have money instead of children.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
How did we not see this back then?
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Ion see the issue
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda