MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
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(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
liiiiiiiiike
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.