over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
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Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
i was baptized in a car wash
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up