Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
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“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.