Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
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Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑