Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
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ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”