A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
You Might Also Like
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Tier 3 meme
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit