How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
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Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.