*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
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Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
[montage of me giving-up]
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.