My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
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My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Unimpressed
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Come back with a warrant
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
I’m not stressed
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums