[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
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*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
I’ve had relationships like this
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.