My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
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If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret