*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
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Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Every time.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.