Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
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alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*