Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
You Might Also Like
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
WWE is French for “yes”
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I thought this was funny lol
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
🐕🍷
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.