Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
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Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
going to the ER y’all need anything
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat