According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
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kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.