While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
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Who knew!
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
marvel comics have peaked
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.