[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
You Might Also Like
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
August 8
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not