[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
You Might Also Like
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
OMG 🤣🤣
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.