If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
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20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Banana is the quietest snack
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
me and the Superbowl rn
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.