I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
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when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
The Book. The Movie.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.