Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
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The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.