The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
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Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck