When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
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Bloody internet 😳
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids