Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
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The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
*feels the wind in my toe hair
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.